Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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