Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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