If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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