I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize