Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All I want is dick and wine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
