I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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