now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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