you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
