I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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