the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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