I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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