Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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