i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
