I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
