Can i not drive my cunt home
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
