So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
