I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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