I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
FUCK WHALES
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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