You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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