if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
