why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
