I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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