i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
