Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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