Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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