drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
