I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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