I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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