found the other keg... it's in the tree
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
