Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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