mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she told me i tasted like america
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
