Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
