dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
