Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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