Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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