I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
