i will never coherently bang her
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
