Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
