and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
