I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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