Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
