he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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