Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
