Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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