why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
