New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
