It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
