The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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