so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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