We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
