...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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