god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
