If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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